tatay nestor

i dreamt of Tatay.

as with all dreams, nothing strings together. in my dreams, je and i were nurses. we were stationed at the ICU (although the room looks like just a big storage room, with a fridge, a divider, and a folding bed). we had a couple of patients we looked after, and they move them to regular rooms after some time.

nag-break daw kami (i can't recall what we did for break) at pagbalik namin, may bagong pasyente na daw na nakahiga. at pinoy yung nurse na nagbabantay. so je went to the nurse in charge to chat a bit. i went to the fridge and took out the tray na nakasahod sa freezer. napupuno daw kasi yon ng tubig. tinapon ko yung tubig sa sink, and while doing this, naririnig ko si je saying "bakit di po kayo kumakain tatay?", his "tatay" term being a general address of respect to the old male patient. the patient answered, "manganganak na daw eh".

in my dreams, i had a feeling of familiarity to that voice. so i proceeded to put back the tray sa fridge, taking my time. tapos may nagtanong ulet bakit di sya kumakain, parang implying na pag di sya kumain, pauuwiin sya, which is what the patient wants. then the patient said again "manganganak na daw ang apo ko eh".

then lumapit na ako sa pasyente. his face is partly hidden. i approached the bed and knelt beside it.

then i saw Tatay's face, a little more chubby than he was, and with stubles. he smiled at me and said "hindi ako sanay nakikita ka sa office mo". he smiled again and closed his eyes as if savoring the moment, or like resigning to relief that i still haven't given birth, that he's not late. i touched his face and we talked a bit more.

then i woke up. and cried.

i miss Tatay so much. while i am happy that in my dreams, he knows i am expecting, i am kinda sad that in real life, he didn't get to see his apo-sa-tuhod. when he said "manganganak na daw ang apo ko", it's like his driving force to want to go home.

i'm the first apo. and my parents have lots of stories of Tatay being the doting grandpa. papa told me the story one time, when i got sick as a baby and was brought to the hospital, the nurse couldn't stick me correctly for IV. Tatay apparently angrily slapped that nurse's hand and told her to do it right.

and now, i will be having my own little baby. Tatay won't be there to slap any nurse's hand if they try to stick my baby and couldn't do it right. but i know he will always be there to watch over his apo, and his apo-sa-tuhod.

i miss you Tatay. you're not late, hindi pa ko manganganak. =)