I'm still alive. I think.

 20-fucking-22. Wow.

I felt like I took a deep breath on March 12, 2020... And never exhaled.

I remember saying goodbye to my teammates on March 11 afternoon. I was supposed to work from home that day, but had to go in to the office for a meeting. March 12 I worked from home. March 13 we were told to work from home, indefinitely.

Then things started happening. 

The pandemic.

The elections.

The homeschooling.

The crossing the 40s and feeling like everything in my body started breaking down.

My Papa's heart operation. 

My cousin's near-death hospitalization, and the diagnosis of her Stage 4 breast cancer.

My Mama's breast lump being precancerous, and her going through a couple of operations. 

My operation to have a breast lump removed as well.

All the emotional, mental and financial stresses that goes with all that. I'm depleted in so many way in these different aspects of life, I feel like I only have enough energy and resources to just go day by day, for a limited amount of time, unless something changes. 

I feel lost. Where do I go from here?

Like I'm trapped, but a change would be far worse than keeping the status quo.

I'm tired. Constantly. Different times, I feel sad, or angry, or despairing.

There are days when my every waking moment is preoccupied with intrusive thoughts. I shouldn't have them, but there they are.

I have a couple of kids who are the kindest, funniest, smartest and most loving kids.

I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, inspite of, despite of, things.

Yet there are just days when I just wanna question why I'm in this situation in life. And then I remember other people are in far worse situation, then I'd feel guilty. But I shouldn't. Other people's misery shouldn't invalidate my own.

I'd like to believe I am a good person. Maldita, yes, but inherently good. 😊 

Then why do not-so-good things happen to my loved ones, to me?

Make things make sense, Universe.

And Lord, if you put me through this situation, I trust you will help us through. Pero pwedeng pakibilisan na, before things are too late?

🙏

Hay. Life. 

2.5 years

that's how long i haven't posted on my blog. 2.5 years. approximately.

will i ever be able to catch up on my posts? Facebook killed my blog. and recently, Twitter is killing my Facebook page. i gotta put an end to this, or i will be reduced to a 140-character opinionated individual. hehehe!  =)

i have a lot, and at the same time, nothing much to share... i still kept my other blog about pregnancy (although, also not updated)... since i gave birth to Jecobie in 2010, and to Biella in 2014, my life has been a constant "kids-house-work" (not in proper order at any given day) routine. is this what my 30's would be like? i am midway through my 30's, and i am not seeing an end in sight as to when this will stop. not in 18 years, when my kids are legally able to move out. which, for the record, i doubt they will do. we are raising them to be Pinoyish... which means they will most likely stay with us until it's time to get married. i honestly don't see anything wrong with that. i welcome it. i think. lol! i would rather have them save the money for their future families, than spend it at the expense of independence.

i am currently a big fan of Yaya Dub (Maine Mendoza), so just when you thought my fan days are over, they are not. =P now there's two, Sarah G and Maine M, and my family is just as supportive to my latest addiction, so it's not helping me get over my fan-mode. hahaha! but hey, i have taste on who i follow. the fact that there's only 2, out of all the famous celebrities both local (meaning pinas-based) and local (meaning US-based), that means i am picky. ;-)

another big event for me... i am now a part of a different team at work, working on a project that jumped so many bureaucratic levels and have a direct line to the CEO. i love being a part of something big... it challenges me. but if i/we succeed on this one, we could potentially cause an entire department in the company to be dissolved. it's a tough decision back when they wanted to know if i'm IN or not. i have a family i have to provide for, and i am looking out for myself and not other people... if they were in the same position i was in, if they were given the chance to make the decision, will they be thinking about me and my family? i doubt it. so i am doing what's best for myself and my family. it's just... on a personal level, it was a struggle for me. maybe it would've been easier if i didn't know the future state of the company when we succeed. oh well. 

so i just thought i'd post an update here. to keep my thoughts flowing when i find the time. currently, my eldest is eating dinner with DaJe. and the younger one is watching The Backyardigans with my papa. mama is picking up toys at the living room.

this is the new normal in a day in the life of a mid-30's working mom. i bask in it. i welcome it. until the next blog post, whenever that is. but as is... life is good. =)

fifty shades review and spoilers

"Hi, my name is Beng, and I read the entire Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy."

=P

that's how i felt when i finally finished reading the last book of the series. i felt like i was addicted to it to some degree, and i can't pin down the reason why. it's not the best book out there. heaven and earth difference sa writing ng Harry Potter, for example. there are loop holes in the plot, the repetitive and overly redundant choice of words. the heroine having an orgasm every single f*cking time (literally) and being an expert the first time she gave head are stuff i find hard to believe.i guess for stuff like this to work, you have to suspend reality for a short while. and i was able to do that, and not question the technicalities in the book. maybe that's why i enjoyed reading the books.

the first book is ok. not my type of story line, but towards the second and third books, i finally understood why they have to start the trilogy like that. i'm glad i read the rest, or i would have a picture of Anastasia Steele in my head as the weak character, when in fact, towards the end, she seemed to have the power over the guy. i guess it's true what they say, "she who has the pussy, has the power." nyahahaha! *evil laugh* =P

after i read the first book, i was undecided if i should continue reading the rest. i seriously didn't like the heroine's image of her own self. it's not right to be that insecure, it's like a crime. i mean, i've been insecure in my life too, but not to that extent and i found it irritating.

the second book is kilig, in my opinion. not vomit-inducing sweet, but with just the right amount of cat-mouse conflict to make things interesting.

the third book is like the happy ever after part, with sprinkles of conflicts and action, and some confusing stuff. i felt like some of the conflicts were forced, just to have a little bit of spice in the story. but i am a sucker for happy endings, so i guess that's why i liked it. hehe! plus, the last part of the third book gave an account from the guy's perspective. it's interesting to read and compare how the two characters think and react, and what they thought of the other character as they interact. it reminded me of Midnight Sun, the supposed Edward Cullen's version of the Twilight books. =) and just like with Midnight Sun, i found myself reading the he-said/she-said parts side by side and it's entertaining. =)

as i mentioned, the book has a lot of areas for improvement, but i found myself wanting to know what happens next. and i looked forward to their email exchanges. the titles and signatures and the sarcasm made me smile, remembering that period in my relationship with hubby je when our main means of communication is through email and chat. too bad towards the end, there's not much of the emailing thing between Christian and Anastasia.

not everyone will enjoy the book. but if you can find yourself able to suspend belief, you just might enjoy reading it. i did. =)

fifty shades

*spoilers ahead... spoilers on the entire post, actually*

after a lot of interesting comments from people i know who've read the trilogy... i finally gave in to reading Fifty Shades of Grey. i had hubby Je buy me the ebooks, so i'm reading it on my kindle. i don't think i have the guts to read the paperback version in public. i think the title is known for the mature content. =P

which brings me to my conclusion that Fifty Shades of Grey is a glorified smut novel. *lol* well, not really, there's witty writing naman. pero i'm only on chapter 13, and i think there's already what, 3 or 4 sex scenes already? detailed sex scenes, may i add. hahaha! it's like reading porn.

but it's bothering me that the plot is about a dominant and a submissive. there might come a point in the book where i'll find it weird. for the record, i am not into that kind of thing. yeah, i usually get my way, but i don't think that applies. hahaha! =P i guess if it's your fetish, then this might be a feast. but for those who are not into it, i wonder what's in store?

i'll keep reading. maybe in the context of the characters, it won't be so bad reading about a dominant/submissive sexual relationship. i consider people who are into it as weird. i don't know anybody personally who's into it. or at least i don't know period. and i'd rather have it that way. =P but to read about it develop in characters, that's intriguing. i wonder how much fact is in the novel, and after reading it, if my view about it will change. maybe it will, maybe it won't. but so far, i enjoy reading the non-dominant/submissive type. or as the character puts it, vanilla sex.

fifty shades, fifty flavors? something tells me this is a gonna be a really interesting read. =)

it's time

it's time to start the healing process. everything begins with the first step. i just took mine. =)
i feel loads better afterwards. and hopefully it only gets better from here.

thank God for mothers!

i've been carrying some burden in my mind and heart since yesterday afternoon. i lost sleep over it, and i've snapped at hubby je a couple of times yesterday for trying to "help" me figure things out. i think i don't want to figure out anything just yet. i think i want to feel the shock, and the worry, and all the unnameable emotions that go with it.

there's going to be a lot of changes in my work place starting next week. all the bosses i've had, they're all moving to different areas of IT. there's only 3 developers in my group, and one of us is going to the configuration management side. new boss, new teammates, new culture.

i'm worried because i know that other areas in our department sucks. i know i have one of the best, if not the best, boss in the company. and this change is really throwing me off. will i be allowed to work from home once a week? can i still get my 1-month vacation next year, given that there's only 2 of us now? is my new boss a by-the-book boss, or does she value work-life balance? will she filter out requests and re-arrange priorities like our boss did for us? a lot of things on my mind. i don't even know how my new boss looks like.

i wanted to get out of the office earlier, so i went out to pick up lunch somewhere. i thought of calling mama. she was already asleep, but she picked up the phone. she sounded very sleepy. the moment i talked to her, everything just flowed freely, except my tears.

i'm glad i was able to talk to her about all my worries, and i was able to ask her to pray for me, my job, and my life in general. it feels good to have her listening, even though i know 99% of the stuff i talked about is completely foreign to her. she didn't work in a company environment. she is definitely not IT. but she listened, and it made all the difference in the world.

when we hang up, i feel lighter. and i genuinely have a positive outlook on things now. i was finally able to digest what hubby je has been telling me yesterday. stay positive, leverage yourself, hope for the best.

i don't know what i'm gonna do without my mama. i turn to her for comfort, for advise, for chismis. thank God for mothers! i hope i can be the same kind of mom to my kids. =)

financial woes

we're screwed! totally.

last night, je and i sat down and re-assessed our monthly budget. we just found out that we have been living BEYOND our means. meaning, we are spending more than we're earning, and even if we allocate 100% of our paychecks to take care of bills, we're still going to be $600 short every month!

so that explains why our savings were depleted. je thought it was just a fluke because every time we go home to pinas, we shift our funds around to make it easily available should we need it. we thought we were just short because the money was elsewhere. well, there was no money anymore!

so yesterday was a wake up call. we sat in silence for a minute and started crunching the numbers, again. it was said that craziness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. i guess we went crazy last night. we kept checking the numbers, double-checking the math, looking at potential loopholes we probably missed.

we always come up with a deficit.

we looked at the figures from when we started 7 years ago, and the numbers we're currently paying. some of the extra expenses were brought about by the new house being bigger than our old house. we spend twice as much on water, and twice as much on electricity. then we have the car loan, for the van. then we have so many plane tickets bought in the last 6 months. plus jecobie's birthday, medical expenses, the christmas expenses, etc. the last 2 years have been crazy and we were too busy to notice that we're dipping in our savings often.

so in the next 6 months:
- we have to cut back, if not completely eliminate, eating out.
- no more bath tub for je or me, except on special occasions.
- pistoy will have to cut back on his bath tub swimming as well.
- we unplugged the 2nd fridge at the garage, and crammed everything into the fridge we're using inside the house.
- we have to consciously turn off the fans and lights in other rooms when nobody's there.
- we have to let go of the landscaping expense, which means je will have to mow the lawns himself.
- we have to adjust our car insurance policy to cover only the basic features. we just need to drive carefully, and make sure it won't be OUR fault if we ever get into an accident.
- we have to cut back on the extra-bucks in our car payments. currently we pay an extra $90 per month to expedite settling the loan. the earlier we pay off the loan, the better because that would mean we are paying less interest on it.
- we have to sell my Acura. we might put the money to pay extra on the car loan.

we have to put the house improvement stuff on hold, until our stuff really falls apart, or until we get some breathing room financially:
- we can't buy a new couch. a spring popped out of the bottom of the sofa already.
- we can't buy a new bed rail. our current one does not have night stands, and is a "frame-only" set.
- we can't buy a shed. supposedly all the yard-related stuff should go here instead of the garage.
- we can't put a screen out on the back porch. for now, a mosquito repellant spray and katol will have to do.
- we can't take out the carpet and replace it with wooden floors. the carpet is still in pretty good condition, but the previous owner had pets so i have that "psychological dirt" on it. plus, it is sooo hard to maintain! the only up-side is when jecobie trips (which seldom happens, he usually slips on the kitchen tiles!), he doesn't hurt himself.

anyway, it was such a crappy position to be in, knowing that even if we put in everything from our paychecks, it still won't be enough. the house wasn't even a big dent on our expenses. so what went wrong?! i don't think we've been living luxuriously. except for the eating out and shopping for pasalubong, that is. and of course, plane tickets. a plane ticket for one person is around $2K total, so spread that over 12 months, and we seem to be spending an extra $150+/month. and last December-January, multiply that by 4, so that might be where the $600 is coming from. plus the pasalubongs for the relatives in pinas, and then again when flying back to US. but still, that means that with 100% of paychecks in, we're only going to breakeven with our expenses!

we are worried and it's a good thing, i guess. so now we have to be conscious of our spending habits. i still need to send money to my family back home, and where that will fall under, i'm not sure. it used to be that we still have a few hundred for our own separate savings. and that's where i pull the funds from when i send them to pinas. but since we'll be putting everything into our common fund for the bills and other expenses, where am i going to pull the funds from every month now? my savings will last only 3-4 months if i take it from there. and i don't want to go zero on my savings, in case there are emergencies. *knock on wood*

jecobie's savings will remain untouched. we already "borrowed" from him when we paid the closing costs of the new house. je also doesn't want me to stop the 401K contributions, and i think he's right. since we don't have any savings, at least the 401K is a safety net. we still don't feel comfortable, but at least we still have a last resort.

we could probably ask for the payments of our "pautangs". je's brothers borrowed $10K and $5K respectively. my bro borrowed $5K from us for the water station business. but that won't solve the problem in the long run. we'd only have some additional funds to pay the bills, but it won't solve the problem.

this puts things in perspective. we are planning on another child next year, but at the rate we're going, will having another kid be a responsible decision? at most, i can stop sending money to pinas, but i know how that will dramatically affect them. but we also don't want to wait too long to decide, to see how things fall if we start tightening our belts, before deciding on another kid or not.

i almost didn't sleep last night. i'm worried as hell. this morning when i woke up, i felt refreshed. then after a few seconds, i remembered we were dealing with a problem last night. when i finally remembered what it was, i had to drag myself out of the bed and take a shower to get ready for work.

this is one hell of a rat race.