I'm still alive. I think.

 20-fucking-22. Wow.

I felt like I took a deep breath on March 12, 2020... And never exhaled.

I remember saying goodbye to my teammates on March 11 afternoon. I was supposed to work from home that day, but had to go in to the office for a meeting. March 12 I worked from home. March 13 we were told to work from home, indefinitely.

Then things started happening. 

The pandemic.

The elections.

The homeschooling.

The crossing the 40s and feeling like everything in my body started breaking down.

My Papa's heart operation. 

My cousin's near-death hospitalization, and the diagnosis of her Stage 4 breast cancer.

My Mama's breast lump being precancerous, and her going through a couple of operations. 

My operation to have a breast lump removed as well.

All the emotional, mental and financial stresses that goes with all that. I'm depleted in so many way in these different aspects of life, I feel like I only have enough energy and resources to just go day by day, for a limited amount of time, unless something changes. 

I feel lost. Where do I go from here?

Like I'm trapped, but a change would be far worse than keeping the status quo.

I'm tired. Constantly. Different times, I feel sad, or angry, or despairing.

There are days when my every waking moment is preoccupied with intrusive thoughts. I shouldn't have them, but there they are.

I have a couple of kids who are the kindest, funniest, smartest and most loving kids.

I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, inspite of, despite of, things.

Yet there are just days when I just wanna question why I'm in this situation in life. And then I remember other people are in far worse situation, then I'd feel guilty. But I shouldn't. Other people's misery shouldn't invalidate my own.

I'd like to believe I am a good person. Maldita, yes, but inherently good. 😊 

Then why do not-so-good things happen to my loved ones, to me?

Make things make sense, Universe.

And Lord, if you put me through this situation, I trust you will help us through. Pero pwedeng pakibilisan na, before things are too late?

🙏

Hay. Life.