super-beng

i had a low dip in emotions a few days ago. i wanted everything to be as i planned, i wanted to please everybody, i wanted things to go smoothly, i wanted to be the "perfect beng" i know i am not. i wanted everything, but i forgot who i really am, and what i am ONLY capable of doing. so when a certain night-out didn't turn out the way i imagined it would, i felt really disappointed. disappointed with myself, for the most part.

it must be the little things that pile up, that i dismiss, that i chose to "deal with later". and that night was the switch that turned on all the bottled up negative feelings i failed to release. i was insanely irrational and foolish, that even far-fetched ideas suddenly have meaning to me. i can easily blame "chemical imbalance" for the sudden dive of my self-confidence and self-worth. but i know it was more than that.

i've been used to setting goals for myself, and achieving it within the timeframe i set for myself. i've always prided myself for being this kind of achiever, i set a goal, work hard for it, and most of the time achieve it. goals can be as small as abstaining from coffee for a month, or as big as travelling to a foreign country on my own. failure is something i really try to avoid, if i have to work doubly hard, i would. achieving my goals gives me a sense of control over my life. i know where i am headed, i know where i want to go.

and then i start un-achieving goals. even the little ones. i felt as lost as a speck of dust in a mighty tornado. there are so many negative things that come to my mind, and like a furnace, it keeps feeding up with all the small things i cannot do and cannot get. i hate it, that's not me!

as humans, we are part negative, part positive in our totality. i tried to entertain only the positive thoughts, and buried the negative ones. but as i learned that night i had a meltdown, it's not a healthy way to deal with it. negative thoughts should be released, just like the way we share positive thoughts. have i been burying the negative thoughts all these time? i believe i am not, but i guess i have more distractions then to even entertain them. but now that i don't have much to keep me busy, they are larger than life.

it took me an hour of on-off crying to get it out of my system. it took me a glass of water to realize that i might have more of these episodes. and it took a tight hug to reassure me that i am not what my negative thoughts tell me i am, and that i will bounce from all these.

i set yet another goal for myself, to get back on the horse, more determined. one step at a time, i'm not super-beng. i think Somebody was knocking on my head to make me realize i am not in control, and that it's ok. =)