remembering tatay

i miss tatay.

last sunday at mass, instead of praying after communion, i found myself reminiscing the last time i saw tatay nestor in good health. that was the morning i left for US. we dropped by the house at Karapatan to say goodbye to mommy letty and tatay, as well as to my cousins who might be awake at 5am.

i remember going to tatay's bed first and he was lying on his side. i mentioned who i am, then said goodbye. he asked me "saan ka pupunta?", and when i said US, he said "sama 'ko!".

i kept thinking about that moment... i was trying to remember details. what he looked like. if he looked one more time to my direction before i left their room. if he knew i was crying as i head out the door. he can't see then. he said he can see silhouettes but not the faces anymore. if he can see, would he have taken note of the things i didn't?

months before i left, i resigned from my work to spend more time with my family. i remember spending the afternoons at Karapatan, sitting beside tatay in front of the house, on the street. people who pass by and know him would holler a greeting, and although tatay can't see them, he would look towards the direction of their voice and acknowledge them. he is such a charming man.

my bro and cousins would often joke around with him, and he is an easy target because he reacts a lot. but during his more serious moments, he would just sit on his rocking chair quietly and hold your hand. he likes holding hands with mommy letty especially. and even though he couldn't see, couldn't walk on his own, couldn't do anything without help, i feel safe when he holds my hand. his big, rough hand would envelope mine, and sometimes squeeze a little too hard. i would "scold" him sometimes, and he would apologize. but now, i would love to feel that pain if only it meant he's still around, alive.

when he was in the hospital on his last few days, i would hold his hand and massage it. it was a bit swollen with all the retained fluids in his body. but the familiar roughness is still there. i would keep pinching his fingertips, secretly hoping he would squeeze back, or even flinch a pinky. he never did.

on the afternoon when his body was brought over to Karapatan, i dreamt of his presence. it feels like an out of body experience, i dreamt that i was dreaming, and in the inner dream, i felt his strong hands giving mine a squeeze. then i woke up. then our phone rang. tatay just arrived at Karapatan.

i have so many memories of tatay since we we're living under the same roof with him and mommy until i was in my early 20's. every milestone in my life so far, he's there to witness it. i feel sad for my bro, it was just days before his college graduation day when tatay passed away. it was one of the things he was telling tatay to fight for..."see me march on my graduation day". but tatay opted to see it from somewhere else. and not in silhouette.