awake at 4am

i can't sleep. mostly, probably, because i woke up at 10am yesterday, had brunch, then slept at noon until 3pm. then we were out and about in prep for hubby je's 3rd bday party (*lol*) this year. this time with his family.

the first was the surprise jollibee party for me and him, courtesy of my family. oh yes! complete with mascot and games. hahaha! =P some of my elem friends made it! most of my childhood kada made it too. most of the guests were mine since i have a ton of cousins back in pinas. hehe!

then second was the surprise inuman party for him and rommel. it was mostly kada and rommel's cousins. some folks who confirmed didn't make it. but it was fun anyways. hehe!

so this third one, with his family. his homies. hehe! after dinner with the entire family, i left him sa bahay ng mom nya. doon sila mag-iinuman magkakapatid. yes, you read it right, they are having a drinking spree. whatever happened to hubby je in our last vacay, i still can't figure out. he's been drinking more. i know it's not addiction. maybe just something he wants to do now that he's 30. bleh. hehehe!

anyways, pagod man at masakit ang likod, i can't find the urge to sleep. it's 4 am now. i am still awake.

i called mama around 2am dito, which is 2pm sa pinas. she gave me updates since we left last monday. she was crying. worried. stressing out. mostly because of finances. and some things that she feels she doesn't have control over, like the lives of the people around her.

my mama is the eldest. which is probably why she feels obliged to do something to alleviate the lives of the people around her. "nurturing" is in her vocab. she can't stand seeing family members suffer, go hungry, get sick... sometimes i wish she would be a little selfish and think about her own health. but that's my mama, and i can choose to try to change her, or just support her.

hayyy, life.

at 30, i kinda know where my life is going. i graduated at 21. when i was 22, i was already engaged. at 23, i made my first trip to the US alone, and lived and coexisted with officemates in a Big Brother kind of setting for half a year. at 25, i got married. 26, 27, 28, 29, and now 30. i was thrown to a foreign land to live a married life, devoid of all the things i've gotten used to. it's like being born again, only with a bachelor's degree and a hubby. it was such an adjustment. i've been working for the same company for a little over 4 years now, and i am thankful for the opportunities presented to me by my boss and teammates. life is hard, it is not without challenges. but we somehow manage day-to-day.

i have been very blessed. i am very thankful. and now i wish the same blessings would be bestowed upon my brother, and my cousins. i wish they'd set their goals in life this early and work towards it. i wish they will be enlightened and have a better idea of their life plans.

i have to pray. harder. i realized i haven't been praying as much as when i was very lonely and troubled and lost. i am not lonely, troubled, or lost... but maybe some of my loved ones are. and their welfare is my business.

i think in a span of 15 minutes, now i understand why my mama is such. it's an "eldest child" thing.